Old lists, positive thoughts 


Decide to have a good day, the last item on a list i wrote to myself to plan how to have a positive week.  Finding the list now made me smile; glad that I thought enough of myself to write encouragement about such things and surprised that I can give myself such good advice.  It made me wonder though does a positive frame of mind and the decision to have a good day really mean that you can completely determine how you feel about life? 

It’s a good question and I know I’ve read before that it’s about your frame of mind that decides how you react to things and what feelings you let affect you.  I know throughout the trials of dating and a stressful time at work last year, I wasn’t in the best emotional state.  It’s probably not commonly known but I’ve suffered quite badly from depression in the past and that there is always a chance of a relapse.  Perhaps without realising it but knowing that a relapse is not something I wanted to suffer, I forced myself to stay positive even when I didn’t want to. 
I went out on runs, so of them long but many of them to stop me from sitting and feeling sorry about my life.  I reminded myself of all I had to be happy about and thankful for and I smiled even when sometimes I wanted to cry.  I made plans with friends so I could have fun and share in their joy and reminded myself that my low mood was only temporary.  And really before I knew it I’d spent months living my life and enjoying it and having fun and genuinely smiling.  The silly thoughts about never finding the right guy or how stressed I was about work drifted away and just left me being happy. 
A lot is to be said about the human mind.  It’s far more powerful than most people realise, so yes you can decide that you’re going to have a good day and actually have one. It’s just about being able to see the wonderful people around you and the joy that the life you live brings. 

Michelin Star Dinner Dates 



Have you ever played the game of what 5 guests, dead or alive, you would invite to a dinner party? Or even better what one person do you wish was sitting across from you when you’re having dinner on your own?
Back in October I played the latter game as I sat in a Michelin starred restaurant on my own enjoying an amazing tasting menu with matching wine. While wining and dining myself i looked at the chair opposite every now and then and wondered who I would want across from me.  Was it one of the many guys I’d been on a date with last year, an ex, or a friend. Looking back on this entry months later I would have to be completely honest and say I wish it was a friend. But at the time I most likely wished it was a guy I had dated… A bit sad but we all go through a moment of weakness. 
There were a number of friends I could have imagined sat across from me at that moment but in a moment of desire what I really wondered was what it would have been like to have a date who became a friend who became something slightly more and then nothing at all sat there with me.  Would that have been enforced romance or just something fancy with a friend or something fancy that could turn into something more.  The options in my minds were endless and even more so followed by a few too many glasses of wine. 
But then the game was forgotten and I found this draft the next evening sat at a different dinner on my last night on my solo holiday.  And I asked myself again who would I want to be sat across from me now. So I looked at the empty seat across the table and let friends faces flick through my mind and much to my relief the moment of weakness had passed.  I no longer felt a need for a guy to be sat in that chair across from me, him being replaced by one of my close friends instead. 
It made me wonder what my feelings for this former date and former friend actually were… Was I on my way to forgetting him? And a much more surprising question, was I finally getting over him? 
No I wasn’t forgetting him but in some way I was moving on.  He had told me he had no romantic feelings for me, but after a very tipsy Michelin starred dinner date with myself I realised I had all the romantic feelings for me that I really needed.  Yes I’m not perfect but I do love who I am and in just that small thought I realised that I didn’t need him in my life anymore. If someone can’t love me (even as a friend) for me then there’s no space for them in my life.   So it may have cost a Michelin starred dinner to make me realise that but I’m pretty sure it was still worth every penny to remind myself that people who don’t love me for who I am aren’t worth anymore of my time.   
Even months later looking back on this post I come to realise that from that night I stopped caring.  I stopped offering my time to people that didn’t deserve it and until reading this entry I’d forgotten I had even cared what that guy thought of me at all.  Not sure if that’s called progress or maturity but I’ll happily settle with either.